Share this
First of all, congrats on your dazzling claim that “Humans have been around for 3,000 years and invented a stick.” Truly groundbreaking stuff. I mean, who needs 300,000 years of human history when you can just fast-forward through all that pesky evolution and skip right to the part where we invent the stick. Not the wheel, not fire—just a stick. You, sir, are singlehandedly obliterating my faith in stereotypes of European genius. Not all Europeans can be Einsteins, but you’ve really set the bar in the Mariana Trench.
Speaking of intellectual titans, your grasp of history is so impressive, I half expect people to start thinking Aristotle had a crystal ball 🔮 (spoiler alert: he didn’t). You see, back in 334 BC, while your ancestors were probably inventing…well, nothing, Aristotle was busy saying mean things about them. In his book Politics (you know, something your forefathers were definitely not reading), he pretty much said, “Europeans are full of spirit but lacking in intelligence and skill.” Ouch. But hey, don’t shoot the messenger—I’m just quoting Aristotle.
Now, there’s this other guy, Diodorus. Sounds like he should be leading an Aussie pub crawl, but nope—Greek historian. And let me tell you, his review of the ancient Ethiopians (yes, black Africans) was basically a 5-star Yelp rating with a gold star. Here’s what he had to say: “They invented sacrifices, festivals, and the whole divine ritual thing.” Homer himself wrote about how Zeus and his god squad used to head down to Ethiopia for their annual feasts like it was Coachella. So, if you were wondering who had divine favor and wasn’t being invaded every five minutes—it was Ethiopia. Meanwhile, your ancestors were out there still trying to figure out how to put two rocks together.
Oh, and when Diodorus said “blameless Ethiopians,” he wasn’t throwing shade. He wasn’t saying, “Oh, you guys didn’t just steal 42.5 million square kilometers, colonize Australia, and invent genocide.” Nah, he meant the opposite. That’s right—blameless, as in “the opposite of savages.” Meanwhile, Europe was out there inventing weapons faster than you could say “Herero genocide.”
And while we’re at it, let’s give a quick shoutout to Africa. You know, the continent that gave the world everything. Need a little refresher? Africa, home to the oldest DNA 🧬 on Earth, birthed language, revolutionized civil rights, and dismantled colonization. Ever heard of the Atlantic Charter of 1941? Yeah, Africa helped kick off independence movements all over the globe. But you’re here talking about sticks. Sticks, Hans. You might want to take a seat for this one—because without Africa’s DNA, you probably wouldn’t even exist to post terrible takes on the internet.
Speaking of history, Africa’s spans 350,000 years. And guess what? Some of the greatest African inventors were so ancient, they didn’t even have names. That’s right, these so-called “naked Africans” were busy developing the lunar calendar, art, fishing, cooking, hunting, medicine, and mining while the rest of the world was, I don’t know, probably still trying to figure out what a spoon was. So when you say “invented nothing,” try living without the things Africa did invent—like, you know, language.
And let’s not forget, Hans—you’re descended from these same “naked Africans.” Yep, that’s right. Your paternal line? M168 single nucleotide polymorphism, straight outta Africa. Your maternal side? mtDNA L3, also from Africa. Oh, and you’ve probably got a sprinkle of Neanderthal in there too. It’s like the world’s weirdest ancestry gift basket.
Now, left to your own European devices, you did invent some things. Not exactly sticks, though. World War I? 40 million dead. World War II? 60 million. So yes, you might have clothes, Hans, but let’s be real—posting that picture doesn’t exactly reflect good upbringing. Africans are clothed in the lowest recorded historical murders of all continents. And next time, maybe crack a history book before you start talking about sticks.
Sincerely,
Someone with 300,000 years of actual history.
