Share this
In a dimly lit meeting room at Heliopolis HQ, the divine deities of Egypt’s pantheon gathered, some looking confident, others fidgeting nervously. The Old Kingdom’s sacred hierarchy had served its purpose, but it was time to adapt. As the gods took their seats, Atum, the self-created, assumed his role as the chief line manager of this cosmic department. Clad in a rather official double crown, he cleared his throat and began.
“Welcome, everyone, to the Ennead Reorganization Meeting. We’re here to discuss ‘streamlining’ our pantheon – emphasis on streamlining,” he smirked, eyeing the gods crowded in the back row. “The Middle Kingdom will be all about efficiency, folks.”
A collective murmur swept through the room as deities looked around. Atum held up a hand. “Now, now, let’s keep this civil. We all know things have changed since the Old Kingdom. Humans are demanding, the priests keep adding gods, and frankly, some of us are just… obsolete.” He gave a pointed look at a very uncomfortable Set.
Ra’s Promotion
“First, let’s address the big news: Ra,” he announced. Ra, sitting at the head of the table with his sun disc blinding the others, beamed (literally). “Congratulations, Ra. You’ve been promoted. As our chief solar deity, you’re now merged with myself, Atum. You’re Ra-Atum, head honcho, leader of the pack.”
Ra chuckled smugly. “Naturally. They’ll all have to worship me from sunrise to sunset.”
Set snorted, “You mean they don’t already?” Ra ignored him, basking in his success.
Osiris: A Key Move
Atum continued, “Now, onto the role of Wsir (Osiris). Osiris, you’ve had a solid run in the Duat, the underworld. We’re promoting you to Head of Death and Rebirth. Mortals love the drama of the afterlife these days, so you’re officially the Customer Experience Manager of Eternity.”
Osiris, still bearing a faint greenish hue of the afterlife, nodded solemnly. “Thank you. I’ll… continue to oversee their journeys with fairness and impartiality.”
“Do that, but spice it up, will you?” Atum added. “Mortals are getting more creative with sins, and frankly, some of them expect a show. Maybe bring a little pizzazz to the weighing of the heart ritual. Anubis will still be assisting, of course.” Anubis, polishing his scales, gave a brief, professional nod.
Isis: A Horizontal Move
“Ast (Isis),” Atum said, turning to the goddess with a polite smile. “Your role as protector and magic expert remains secure, but your responsibilities are expanding horizontally. We need you to cover more for Osiris. Healing, magic, protection, these are your bread and butter. Also, can you please pick up Divine Nurturing Specialist?”
Isis’s eyebrow arched. “I’m already the Goddess of Magic and Motherhood. Why add more?”
Atum shrugged. “Budget cuts. Plus, mortals adore your motherly imagery. It’s all hands on deck here.”
She sighed but nodded. “Fine. I’ll make do… but if anyone calls me Mother of the Year again, I’ll smite them.”
Horus: A Redundant Role with a Twist
Atum turned to Heru (Horus), who had a hint of a smirk – always ready for a new battle or promotion. “Ah, Horus, the mighty. I hate to break it to you, but our metrics show that mortals no longer need a full-time God of Revenge.”
Horus looked stricken. “But… what about my heroic fights with Set?”
“Rebranded.” Atum shrugged. “You’re now the Symbolic God of Kingship and Sky. Think mascot for the monarchy. Wave a little, look noble, cut some ribbons. No more actual wrestling with your uncle Set.”
Set chuckled darkly. “Oh, that’s rich. Horus as a mascot.”
Horus scowled. “Try saying that after I take your job, Uncle.”
Set: Demotion and a Warning
Atum’s gaze fell on Set. “Speaking of which, Set, your position as God of Chaos is… let’s just say, under review. You’ve been disruptive, and not in a productive way.”
Set scoffed. “Excuse me, I embody chaos. I don’t do ‘productive’.”
Atum leaned in. “Tone it down, or you’ll be demoted to ‘Dysfunctional Desert Wind’ – and yes, that’s a real position. We made it just for you.”
Set crossed his arms, muttering, “Fine. But I want it in writing.”
Anubis: The Loyal Guide
“Inpw (Anubis), our faithful jackal-headed guide to the underworld. You’ve been one of our most consistent performers,” Atum said with a rare smile. “You’ll continue in your role, assisting Osiris. Consider yourself the Chief Transition Specialist for Souls. The mortals are fascinated with you, so keep up the good work.”
Anubis inclined his head gracefully. “Thank you, Atum. I’m committed to excellent service… and I won’t eat any hearts, promise.”
Thoth: Another Horizontal Shift
“Dhwtj (Thoth), god of wisdom and writing, your knowledge is essential,” Atum said. “You’ll be cross-trained. From now on, in addition to record-keeping, you’re also managing the Celestial Library and running a few educational workshops for the mortal scribes.”
Thoth adjusted his ibis feathers, nodding thoughtfully. “I’ll require additional ink supplies.”
“Approved,” Atum said, a rare generosity in his tone.
Final Remarks
Atum looked over the group with satisfaction. “There you have it. Our streamlined, more ‘agile’ pantheon. You’ve all done a fine job, but things evolve. Let’s move forward, give mortals something new to obsess over, and remember – the Duat doesn’t have room for inefficiency.”
